Cheryl’s Journals

When I first accepted Christ into my life 12 years ago in my school library, I could remember vividly the clips in my mind. Me n my classmates would like to go to the library to listen to the sharing of a middle-aged librarian talking abt her testimonies on how God works in her life. I truly hunger for the WORD of GOD at that time regardless on how I had to go on diet just to be present in the library eachday during niche time. Just before the class started after I prayed the sinners’ prayer in the library in Nov 1995, I could sensed that my whole being which consists of the spirit, soul n body were all lifted up. As if my burdens and heavy-weighted worries that were upon me had been vanished! I was fully cheerful and overwhelmed emotionally. To my amazement, I had never experience this kind of situation before. Words could not describe how wonderful I have been transformed in seconds. At that time I couldn’t understand the process I went through but in the spiritual realm the fact was I had been taken out from the bondages of the devil and I no longer imprison by him. It is the metaphor of salvation. There is a well-known hymn composed by Sir Isaac Newton entitled, AMAZING GRACE he was the one who established the APARTHEID labor system among the Negros a century ago. The hymn resonant as this-

‘Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretched like me, I once was LOST but now I am FOUND, was BLIND but now I SEE.’

It reminded me on how bad I was before I came to know the Lord, I used to be extremely wicked and my heart was full of jealousy due to my family background. I was raised in a low-profile condition and I had no special attention in my parents’ eyes no matter how hard I tried to study hard for my studies just to achieve good results assuming my parents would be pleased n find favor in me. My dad was uneducated and caught up in gambling and alcoholism while my mum loved the limelight of night entertainment. I could recall how my mom would bit me up if I dint prioritize doing housework than putting my education first. They got into riot frequently& rarely guided me in my studies and apparently they don’t encourage me to do my best in my study due to conservative thinking. The worst thing was they even accused me of being insane, out of my mind and threatened to disown me if I keep believing in the ‘WESTERN GOD’ which lot of Chinese family would indicate Christian belief as a western religion. If they discovered I secretly read the Bible and pray to Jesus, they would bashed at my ears and intended to throw my Bible away. If not then they would trashed away all my secondary textbooks so that I could never get to school. I couldn’t imagine at that time at the age of 13 I had to endure this kinda ‘anguish’ and emotional hurts & struggles. Education was my goal of life besides my newly embraced belief, knowing that I had to study hard just to be successful in the future in order I could get into college and university. I had always admired my classmates n frends whose parents are very supportive in building their children with the best education, shelter, psychological, emotional and moral supports. There were lotsa resentments, dissatisfaction and rejections in my emotions. Thus, I had started to accumulate bitterness, hatred, jealousy and low self-esteem (my family or relatives would judged that I was useless, not an attractive child, I don’t have a good-looking profile, I am not as smart as the kids nextdoor and the lists would just keep on…) Even now from time to time I would still fighting with my inadequacy towards many things in my life that keeps holding me back due to obnoxious factors. That is why until today I am absolutely unpleasant with WORDS utters that could be HURTFUL & ABUSIVE to my self-worth.

However, a big partial of my miserable nostalgia has been healed and restored by GOD as I slowly learned to let HIM be in control in my life. I could testify that the educational achievements that I have today is truly a blessings from GOD. I know I could never have the chance to get into college n UNI if it were not GOD who helped and opened the way. After my graduation, the posting of my industrial training, my partime jobs to my current job as a lecturer are all given by GOD. What else do I complain more when I have accomplished all these in my life? Sometimes I am really ashamed when I failed into the pit of self-pity that makes me forget about GOD’s grace upon me. That is when the hymn resounds again and again in my mind telling me that it has been a GREAT difference the life that I live now COMPARE to 12 years ago before I came to know HIM. Hasn’t He been leading me for all these while? Hasn’t HE heard my pains and wiped my tears all these while? Hasn’t God been good to me for all this while?

Sometimes I felt how shameful I was when I slipped the chance to tell others abt God’s grace in my life. One significant thg I would ask from God in the year 2007 is to give me a HUMBLE heart and SIMPLE FAITH to follow HIM. Giving me the strength to do my best in my teaching career. Giving me the courage to honor HIS GOODNESS. Giving me the WISDOM to manage my finances and working ethics. I belief in whatever I do be it in my career, my family, in the church or society they are all services/ministries to God. Amen.

~ by cheryl82 on January 2, 2007.